The Ugly Truth

I kind of pride myself in my ability to be transparent and open about my flaws and shortcomings. I'm not sure if that's necessarily a good or bad thing but, then again, I am proud to be this way. I feel like people have more respect for others when they allow themselves to be seen for how they are and the problems they face instead of trying to appear like they have it altogether. Let's face it folks, we are all walking disasters just being protected by the grace of God. 

The ugly truth for me right now is:

I AM NOT SLEEPING. 

I typically get an average of 4-5 hours a night, sometimes 3 and sometimes 6. But it is driving me absolutely insane. I am cranky and bitter and frustrated because of my lack of sleep. I just can't seem to go to sleep after waking up at 2:00, 3:30, 4:00. I have tried everything. Otc sleep aids, lavender, yoga, PRAYER, Benadryl,  stretching, milk, calming music and white noise, reading... you name it and I promise I have tried it. 

It effects every part of my life. It effects my relationships because I'm grouchy and uninterested due to lack of energy. It effects my training and ability in the gym. It effects my spiritual life because I have a hard time keeping focused. And it mostly effects my mind. People, I am so exhausted. This girl needs your prayers and also I need your grace as I go through the process of figuring out why I cannot sleep. I feel as though I am losing my sanity. 

How much is too much?

I'm going to get really honest with everyone. My passion for fitness has literally become an addiction for me. I have had to step back and re-assess my goals and priorities to make sure I keep the proper balance in my life. When I started this journey in December 2011 I never IMAGINED that I would ever love eating healthy and working out. It was so so so hard for me. I loved food so much and I loved NOT being sweaty. But, I had no self esteem and my relationship with myself and food was ruining me. I didn't respect myself because I didn't really see the point in taking care of my body... because I didn't even realize how much worth God had created in me. I had always been taught but it had never been a truth in my heart. My dad would testify to the fact that I would literally cry and whine and complain when he was too tired to help me work out. I needed constant encouragement to keep going and to keep me motivated. As I kept being pushed by my dad and started to get a little more confident using our bow flex in my dads garage, I started to not hate it AS much. But, i still did not like it. It wasn't until one night when he refused to go out with me and told me I needed to do this for myself that I sucked it up and started going out and doing what he had taught me. Then I started getting up at about 5 am to do it and that's when I knew I would never go back. I finally started losing some baby weight and I realized how much energy the working out gave me to get through my day. My confidence was slowly building. 

Fast forward to February 2015. I had gotten off track somewhat during the holidays so starting December 26 2014 I got back to my clean eating and working out. I was doing insanity, I got myself some whey protein, and invested in a polar ft4 training watch to keep me motivated. I have found when you invest money into something it will motivate you to stick to it! At least that's true for men As I started working out again I felt

better and started to lose that dreaded winter weight I had allowed myself to gain. 

Yuck! I had gotten so in shape the summer before and when I saw these pictures in January I wanted to DIE! I couldn't believe how being lazy for 2 months and not eating clean put the fat back on SO fast. So when I moved out in February and was unable to go to the gym at 5am I got myself a new routine. I would go pick up Elijah after work and go to the gym on Monday and Wednesday. On Thursdays I don't have work so I also go on Thursday mornings. When Elijah is with his dad and I don't have plans I go Friday night and sometimes even Saturday! Sunday mornings have become my favorite because pretty much everything is available. I started learning new exercises and just literally got to the point where I had no specific routine I just showed up, picked my body part, and cranked it out. I had gotten to the point where I was training for almost 2 hours on the days I would go and burning around 1,000 calories every time. I was addicted. 

I say all of this to say, I'VE HAD TO DETOX. I realize even something that is good for you and can make your life better, can also become something that consumes you. I do not want the gym to EVER be my first priority or to EVER become a god in my life. I will never allow myself to get to that level because I would have to quit altogether. God is my only God and he deserves my heart, not the gym. Elijah is my priority. My family is my priority. Helping others is my priority. It is our own responsibility to make sure we keep ourselves in the right perspective and not let things overtake our lives. I love my lifestyle. It has done amazing thing for me. But God has done far greater things and will keep doing greater things. I humbly admit and repent of abusing my time and prioritizing the gym over my Jesus. I am so thankful for a God who loves me enough to show me these truths and save me from myself even when I place things in front of Him. Is there anything in your life that is out of order? How are your priorities? If you need any prayer, please don't hesitate! 

Willis.bethany@gmail.com