The Ugly Truth

I kind of pride myself in my ability to be transparent and open about my flaws and shortcomings. I'm not sure if that's necessarily a good or bad thing but, then again, I am proud to be this way. I feel like people have more respect for others when they allow themselves to be seen for how they are and the problems they face instead of trying to appear like they have it altogether. Let's face it folks, we are all walking disasters just being protected by the grace of God. 

The ugly truth for me right now is:

I AM NOT SLEEPING. 

I typically get an average of 4-5 hours a night, sometimes 3 and sometimes 6. But it is driving me absolutely insane. I am cranky and bitter and frustrated because of my lack of sleep. I just can't seem to go to sleep after waking up at 2:00, 3:30, 4:00. I have tried everything. Otc sleep aids, lavender, yoga, PRAYER, Benadryl,  stretching, milk, calming music and white noise, reading... you name it and I promise I have tried it. 

It effects every part of my life. It effects my relationships because I'm grouchy and uninterested due to lack of energy. It effects my training and ability in the gym. It effects my spiritual life because I have a hard time keeping focused. And it mostly effects my mind. People, I am so exhausted. This girl needs your prayers and also I need your grace as I go through the process of figuring out why I cannot sleep. I feel as though I am losing my sanity. 

How much is too much?

I'm going to get really honest with everyone. My passion for fitness has literally become an addiction for me. I have had to step back and re-assess my goals and priorities to make sure I keep the proper balance in my life. When I started this journey in December 2011 I never IMAGINED that I would ever love eating healthy and working out. It was so so so hard for me. I loved food so much and I loved NOT being sweaty. But, I had no self esteem and my relationship with myself and food was ruining me. I didn't respect myself because I didn't really see the point in taking care of my body... because I didn't even realize how much worth God had created in me. I had always been taught but it had never been a truth in my heart. My dad would testify to the fact that I would literally cry and whine and complain when he was too tired to help me work out. I needed constant encouragement to keep going and to keep me motivated. As I kept being pushed by my dad and started to get a little more confident using our bow flex in my dads garage, I started to not hate it AS much. But, i still did not like it. It wasn't until one night when he refused to go out with me and told me I needed to do this for myself that I sucked it up and started going out and doing what he had taught me. Then I started getting up at about 5 am to do it and that's when I knew I would never go back. I finally started losing some baby weight and I realized how much energy the working out gave me to get through my day. My confidence was slowly building. 

Fast forward to February 2015. I had gotten off track somewhat during the holidays so starting December 26 2014 I got back to my clean eating and working out. I was doing insanity, I got myself some whey protein, and invested in a polar ft4 training watch to keep me motivated. I have found when you invest money into something it will motivate you to stick to it! At least that's true for men As I started working out again I felt

better and started to lose that dreaded winter weight I had allowed myself to gain. 

Yuck! I had gotten so in shape the summer before and when I saw these pictures in January I wanted to DIE! I couldn't believe how being lazy for 2 months and not eating clean put the fat back on SO fast. So when I moved out in February and was unable to go to the gym at 5am I got myself a new routine. I would go pick up Elijah after work and go to the gym on Monday and Wednesday. On Thursdays I don't have work so I also go on Thursday mornings. When Elijah is with his dad and I don't have plans I go Friday night and sometimes even Saturday! Sunday mornings have become my favorite because pretty much everything is available. I started learning new exercises and just literally got to the point where I had no specific routine I just showed up, picked my body part, and cranked it out. I had gotten to the point where I was training for almost 2 hours on the days I would go and burning around 1,000 calories every time. I was addicted. 

I say all of this to say, I'VE HAD TO DETOX. I realize even something that is good for you and can make your life better, can also become something that consumes you. I do not want the gym to EVER be my first priority or to EVER become a god in my life. I will never allow myself to get to that level because I would have to quit altogether. God is my only God and he deserves my heart, not the gym. Elijah is my priority. My family is my priority. Helping others is my priority. It is our own responsibility to make sure we keep ourselves in the right perspective and not let things overtake our lives. I love my lifestyle. It has done amazing thing for me. But God has done far greater things and will keep doing greater things. I humbly admit and repent of abusing my time and prioritizing the gym over my Jesus. I am so thankful for a God who loves me enough to show me these truths and save me from myself even when I place things in front of Him. Is there anything in your life that is out of order? How are your priorities? If you need any prayer, please don't hesitate! 

Willis.bethany@gmail.com

Because you are all asking...

So recently I have posted a lot about my fitness journey and it has raised a lot of questions. I have tried my best to respond and help anyone who asks for my advice but I figured writing a blog with all of this information would save everyone a lot of time!

For the past few years since I had Elijah I started this healthy lifestyle journey. It started out as an emotional roller coaster for me. I had very low self esteem from not knowing my identity in Christ and allowing a toxic relationship to give satan a foothold in my life. After getting pregnant at 18 and having an extremely rough (emotionally) pregnancy, my weight was a whopping 154 pounds. I am 5'4 and that was definitely not any kind of muscle weight. I ate because it made me feel good. Food had become my comforter, when God should have been. I started reading the book "Made to Crave" and God used it to transform my mind. Another book I read during this time was "Captivating". Both of these books had a tremendous role in forming new thoughts about myself and how truly precious I am as a woman and as a daughter of the King. God showed me my value and had I not had these revelations, I would not have the discipline and motivation I do today to keep going and improve. It is because of His unfailing love for me, and his constant pursuit of me, that I know I am worth all of the effort I apply to being the best I can be. If you have a problem going back and forth and back and forth in your healthy lifestyle changes, please take a look at the condition of your heart. It is the most frustrating thing wanting to change but not being able to figure out what is holding you back from staying consistent.. YOU ARE WORTH IT. I can tell you that all day but you have to believe it about yourself before change will stay.

With that being said, I need to get a few things out of the way.
1. I am no fitness/health guru. I have not had schooling. I had a trainer for 3 months last summer and that's it. I am not a super chef. I don't know everything.. Shoot, I don't really feel like I know much at all. Everything I am about to write is not anything other than what I have tried and what has worked for me. Everyone is different and everyone's body responds differently to different things. I have tried things I have seen work for others with little to no results for myself.
2. Be realistic. I have been the absolute worst at following all of these SUPER ripped and toned fit tanned fitness people on Instagram expecting my body to look like theirs. Is it possible? I honestly don't know. But if I compare each of them to one another, they all have differences. You have to expect the same for yourself. Not any persons body can look exactly like another's. God just didn't make us that way. Learn to see your body for what it is, yours. You cannot go into this expecting to look like someone else because you just won't. You might get a tighter lower abs faster than you grow your glutes. Your biceps might come in sooner than you notice your quads or lose that bra bulge. Only compare yourself to you. Don't expect thing that are unrealistic for you but also know you can ALWAYS improve. Also, understand that it takes time. Like I said I started this journey December 2011. It's not an overnight thing. Be patient. Be realistic. Love yourself.


NOW for the other stuff:
Training-
I do weight training at least 3 times a week. If I can go more I do. The most I go in a week is 5 days because it is important to let your muscles rest. Some days I will just do cardio if I go that many days out of the week but I never do more than 20 minutes of intense cardio on weight days and 30 mins on non-weight days. I do a minimum of 45 minutes on weights on a low energy day but typically I go about 1 hour to 1 hour and 15 minutes. That amount of time has grown the more addicted I have become to the results of how great I feel after working out. When I started in the gym I would do weights for about 30-45 minutes and 30-35 minutes of cardio. I liked cardio because it was comfortable and easy and it didn't take much thought. But building muscle is absolutely key to burning fat long term and seeing muscle definition. Hours of cardio will never have you looking defined and cut. YOU MUST GET UNCOMFORTABLE AND LEARN TO LIFT CRAP.... and when you see how strong you get you will love it! I use a polar ft4 heart rate monitor when I train. It lets me know when my heart is in the appropriate zones and tracks my calories burned. I absolutely love it and I bought it on amazon. I wear a neoprene waist trimmer ($5 at Walmart mart) when I do cardio. It helps you sweat more and sometimes I go ahead and wear it when I am doing weights too. I also suggest weightlifting gloves if you plan on using barbells or dumbbells. If you can't afford a trainer get on bodybuilding.com and check out all of the workouts on there. Plenty of instructional videos from trained professionals and it is all free. Also, don't be intimidated to ask someone at your gym how to use a machine. I love when people ask me about an exercise I'm doing and I love asking others about what they are doing too. Always seek knowledge from people who inspire you! I have met some of the most genuine and nicest people in the gym and they are full of advice and encouragement. #FitFam is a real thing!!!!

Eating-
This is where it gets real. FOOD. LOVE FOOD. Food is not your enemy! Food is your fuel. just like you won't get fit eating 2500 calories a day full of chips and soda, you won't get fit eating 800 calories of spinach and carrots. You MUST fuel your body and not only with foods that are healthy for you, but that meet your goals. If you are trying to lose fat but you are consuming too many carbs, it's never going to happen. Everything about food is definitely scientific and you will have to tweak it as you go. For me, currently, I changed my diet from a "clean eating" approach to what all the fitness freaks call "If It Fits Your Macros". This intrigued me because all of these Instagram fitness people are posting froyo and donuts and they have banging bodies. It made no sense to me. so I started my research. I started paying attention to what I was eating not relizing HOW MUCH CARBS AND FAT TOOK OVER MY DIET!!!! They were complex carbs like brown rice and sweet potatoes and wheat grain bread which are good for you but the percentage of them that I was consuming was sabotaging my fat loss. Also almonds and cashews and peanut butter and avocado. All okay in the right place, but I was not eating them accurately. I got on some websites and found out I needed to be eating 1250-1450 calories per day to be losing weight. Based off of that number I got on another website (bodybuilding.com) and found an article that helped me understand that for my body type and for FAT LOSS I needed to wayyyyy change my diet. I decided to start eating for my macronutrient needs. For my body this is 50% protein, 30% fat, and 20% carbs. I've been doing this for 2 weeks now and my results have blown my mind. I try my absolute hardest to meet my protein goal first. 175 grams of protein. 70 grams of carbs. 47 grams of fat. I use myfitnesspal app to keep track of everything and it has been a lifesaver.

Food:
Currently I eat a lot of egg whites, hard boiled egg whites, low fat cheese, fat free cottage cheese, Greek yogurt, Brussels sprouts, broccoli, asparagus, turkey, chicken, tilapia, salmon, broccoli slaw,
tuna, spinach, avocado, shrimp, salsa, raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, and whey protein. I use salt free Mrs. Dash to flavor a lot of my food and I always try to get the leanest meat. ground turkey instead of beef, etc. I throw in some wheat thins or a wrap or pretzels or almonds just depending on what I need to meet my needs that day. the great thing about it is you don't have to feel guilty eating a donut as long as it fits into your macros for the day so I SUGGEST PLANNING ALL OF YOUR SNACKS AND MEALS IN THE MORNING. That way you are on track for the entire day! Keep in mind the cleaner you keep it the better results you will have BUT it won't kill you to have a donut and make sure it fits in to your macros. I cook and prepare my food in advance so it's ready to go. I also use a food scale that was about $5 at Walmart mart to get accurate measurements on the food I am eating. Also drink a lot of water! Fruit tends to have way more carbs than you expect so plan on cutting wayyyyy down on them.

"In the beginning..."

1 In the beginning the Word already existed.
    The Word was with God,
    and the Word was God.
² He existed in the beginning with God.
³ God created everything through him,
    and nothing was created except through him.
⁴ The Word gave life to everything that was created,^[a]
    and his life brought light to everyone.
⁵ The light shines in the darkness,
    and the darkness can never extinguish it.


So many times I have read this verse, and completely read it wrong. Notice how the letter w is capitalized in the Word.See, this passage is not speaking of the Word relating to the bible. Rather it is speaking about the Word coming from, being with Him, and being Him. Growing up in church you are taught to always read your bible and take from it how to live and how not to live. I have learned finally that is all wrong. Sure, yes, there are guidelines in the bible that help you make good decisions etc. but I don't that is not the main purpose. 

If the Word has been here all along, and the Word is what created life and light, then what is the Word?

In this westernized culture of church and Christianity and Jesus I think we have completely lost the real key to LIFE. Life comes by the WORD, not meaning only the bible. But first meaning the Word from God. We seek so strongly to find answers to life and situations in the bible and we never even go to the one who wrote it in the first place. If God can give us his word (the bible) and we find comfort in it, how much more comfort and peace and guidance will we find when we actually directly ask HIM about whatever it is we are facing??

His Word for your life will always bring what you need. He does not return void. When you are seeking what the spirit has to say to you light and life just flows from every direction. God created life and existence by speaking it there. He will also speak life into your situations if you allow him to speak. Are you asking God what he thinks, or are you relying solely on your bible?

Theres this thing...

As a single mom I have had several times when I have been alone in the quiet and I hated it. In these moments God would reveal to me just how weak and broken I was. He allowed me to feel my pain to it's fullness and I hated that pain so much. But also in these moments it wasn't only God I was allowing to speak into my life. I had gotten truth and lies so twisted in my life I didn't even know which was which anymore.

I would think thoughts like this:
What did I do to end up by myself? Am I always going to be alone? Will my parents ever trust me again? Will I ever trust me again? Is anyone going to want me? What will it be like for Elijah growing up? Did I ruin the chance at him having a good future and family life? Is he going to be messed up because of the situation I brought him in to? How can God fix this? Am I doomed to feel this sadness forever? Are there even good men anymore?

The worst part is I believed I had been the one to screw everything up, which I had screwed up a lot, don't get me wrong. But it was never completely my burden to carry. (It actually wasn't my burden to carry at all, you will understand this thought later.). I figured nobody would want somebody who already has a child and who has already given themselves to a man, unless they were just seeking sex. I never ever thought my parents would regain trust in me, much less respect me as a mother. I kept imagining awful images of Elijah's childhood and custody battles and fights and honestly the worst thing I imagined was abandonment for him. I believed it was all my fault. He would be a troubled kid because of me. I honestly was not sure how God could fix the situation I had set up, (how human of me to think this way), and I never thought I would move through the pain of the situation because I thought the darkness was doomed to last for the rest of my life.

The funny thing is that I grew up in church. I had been taught that God has a future and that all things work together for the GOOD for those who love him. I knew he had a hope for me. His word says he brings us peace. I had heard over and over again that as christians we are seen by God how he sees Jesus. Ya see, I had been told truth my entire life about who I was in Jesus. But it wasn't until I was actually seeking him in my wretched broken life that I had created, that his LOVE and FREEDOM was revealed to me. I was finally free to believe that he has a hope and a future for me. That He desires to know me and love me deeper than any man ever could. If Jesus can love me past my sins, man who is also sinful surely can. I don't have to be afraid and I don't have to live my life in shame. God is so much bigger than all of those lies because God is TRUTH and He has the final word. He calls me a saint, righteousness, he calls me a good mother, he calls me smart, he calls me daughter, he calls me beautiful, he calls me wise, he calls me by my name, he knows the number of hairs on my head, he knows my thoughts before I think them, he knows the desires of my heart, he knows I desire him above anything else in this life, he desires ME.

For you single moms out there, stop worrying. I know it can be dark sometimes, and maybe it's dark right now. If it is seek encouragement because IT WILL GET BETTER. God IS so much bigger than your circumstance and he is bigger than your mistakes. He turned us from dirt. All of the intricacy of the human body, made of dirt. He can surely fix any problem we can create.

If your life isn't dark right now I have 2 things for you. First off find someone who's life is dark and bring some hope to them. We all need hope, and some people don't know anyone who can give them any. Secondly, build yourself up in the word so that when Satan tries to get you to believe lies you are READY with the truth. If you don't prepare yourself Satan can easily manipulate the stupidest things to make you believe you are less than and you don't stand a chance.

Galatians 2:20
My Old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by TRUSTING in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.


-Bethany

Love that falls short.

I can literally talk for hours about how much I love Jesus. I can talk to you for extended periods of time about all He has done in my life and just how deep my love is for Him who saved me from SO much heartache. But let's get real here, I fail Him every single day.



This post isn't about being guilty or feeling condemned. Its more about how sufficient his love is, even when our love for Him falls short.

In John 13:36-38 Peter is confessing to Jesus just how much he loves Him, just as I do every day. Peter even goes to the extent of saying he would DIE for Jesus. Jesus straight up calls Peter out. He tells him that He will deny him 3 times before the end of the day. And Peter does.

I pray to God every morning thanking him for everything He has done for me, rescued me from, blessed me with, blessings that I have not received yet, and so on. But how many times do I go through my day and don't ask his opinion on my situations? How many times do I just decide on my own how to handle things. How many times do I ignore conversations that need to be had, because it is more comfortable to not "go there" with people.

This is where I find myself. Denying God all day long. I am seeking him, yet denying him as well. I can honestly say I am IN LOVE with my savior. Absolutely irrevocably insanely madly truly in love with him, yet my love will ALWAYS fall short. This is the problem with man and woman, with humans. We can never ever ever meet up to his standard of love. You can be just as in love with money, sex, drugs, another person, your children, your career, a sports team or sport, cars and boats, porn, facebook, fitness, etc. But no matter what.. you wont save as much money in your bank account one month. You will find yourself lusting after the wrong person. You will fail your kids by over promising them something. You will be late to work. You'll miss your favorite teams "big game". You wont get to spend as much time working on your car or boat. You'll miss your session of porn at night. You wont be able to log in to facebook because your busy actually working. You will cheat on your diet and skip the gym. You see? This is our problem. Our love is a very flawed love. It will always fall short in one way or another. You will "deny" the things you say you love at some point. But Jesus, no. Never. He is solid and true and he cannot lie. He is never going to fail you. I pray you find peace and comfort in that. And let go of your other Gods that will not only fail you, but bring you into bondage. God gives freedom and all he asks is for our heart. Other gods demand our time, and as we give time it will demand more and more of us. The more you indulge in something the more you feed it. Indulge in your problems and watch them get bigger. Indulge in your "gods" and watch them become magnificent. Watch yourself be paranoid about your bank account, about your wife seeing your history on the internet and eventually the DVD's in your dresser. Watch how your boss finds out how much time you spend on facebook. Look and see how your kids become distant from you/ But if you indulge in God, watch how those chains fall off. See how his love and grace will bring you a freedom you never knew you could have. Watch your money turn to good. Watch your kids ask YOU to hang out. Watch your wife or husband fall madly in love with you all over again. Watch your fitness goals become attainable. Let his unfailing love, unlike ours, overwhelm your life.

-Bethany

Living Your Life.