Growth.

It's funny to me when I think about growth and how it comes about in our lives. Really though, it's not much fun to grow. Some parts are entertaining and interesting but for the most part, actual growth can be quite painful.

A wise friend told me that in order for me to grow past my circumstances I needed to embrace all the pain I was feeling. Wow, not exactly what I wanted to hear. Until I started facing the fact that my heart was truly a mess all I was doing was being immobile. I wasn't being effective in any of my relationships with people, or God, or any area of my life. Everything was at a standstill. And while I look back on the last several months and realize just how shattered my heart was, I also realize that if I hadn't taken her advice I would be in a much worse off place.

My heart was this way because I had been letting man fill a spot that was meant to be God's since the beginning of time. When man let me down, I didn't know what to do and I didn't even really realize that was what my problem was. I let myself get into a deep emotional pit and see the condition of my heart and that was scary. There wasn't a whole lot of light left in that pit and nothing is more scary than being in a dark pit.

So on this journey I began to seek God and honestly just cry and cry to him. I told him about all of my emotions and all of my hurts and pains but I also started seeking to know what HE thought of me and HIS plans for my life. As I got in his word I was able to trust and rely on him more and more and honestly began to really let go of a lot of things that needed to be let go of. I still have to work on this every day but I can say that it gets so much easier if you just press through the very beginning. That is the hardest part.

My favorite part of this so far is just realizing how much I need him and really allowing him to be there for me. He never ever EVER fails me and it is such an awesome feeling to know I have a God who is literally ALWAYS perfect and always loving and looking out for me. Honestly, I don't need any man or human for my self worth or security anymore and that is such an amazing thing. I have gotten so much more freedom releasing my emotions and not relying on myself or my own thoughts and ideas to get me through the day. Jesus helps me with every single thing in my life because I allow him to. I love it.

-Bethany

Restoration.

I am writing today full of hope. I have always had hope but in seeking God I have realized I can have hope in a situation even when it looks like it will never ever get better. I have had a lot of ups and downs the past year, mostly downs if we are being honest. Don't get me wrong I have had tremendous blessing (starting & finishing hair school, giving birth to the most precious baby boy, getting a job, making new friends, growing, etc.) but I feel like if I were to really make a collection of the past year the trying times will very far outweigh all of the times I have had good things going on.

There were so many times that I felt so very alone. Abandoned.

I kept on seeking God. I kept on asking for Him. I continually prayed even in my deepest hurting moments that He would restore the things that needed to be restored. I knew it was in His power, but sometimes human will gets in the way of what God can and wants to do in our lives. He has a plan and a purpose for us but if we choose to do the opposite, He isn't going to MAKE us go his way.

I say all of this to say all of those long hard months of patient endurance were completely exhausting, but I am seeing His promises being stepped out before me now. Do I think it is all uphill from here? No, because life doesn't work that way. What I do know is that I have proof that God will come through on every single thing He says if we allow Him. Because even in the darkest place, I can see His light. God restores, so let Him.

-Bethany

True Love

For once in my life I can honestly say that I have experienced TRUE love.

I have been praying for months now that God would heal my broken heart. I have always heard and known deep down that his love is the only thing that could sustain me but I had always filled that place with other people and things. Being a new mom you really don't have time for yourself, much less other people, so it gets kind of lonely. It is kind of like God wanted me to be alone with myself so I would have to face the facts of how crappy my heart condition was. I was extremely lonely and very sad any time I had to be by myself. I didn't used to be that way.

My point being, I never ever want to put anything in front of God again. The loneliness I felt while I was searching for him was no fun at all and now that I have him I am not willing to do anything to ever sacrifice that ever again.

I wish I could explain to you how my heart feels today but there literally are not words. There are so many words to describe the negative way I felt beforehand but Gods love can't be put in to words it just would not do it justice.

I've received my freedom and my healing, finally.
God was not kidding when he said "knock and the door will be answered. seek me, and you will find me."

-Bethany

Forgiveness.

This is something that most of us deal with even when we don't realize it. We feel like we have a right to be upset (we usually do) at somebody who has wronged us. But what I'm finding out in my own life is that being mad at someone effects you a whole lot more than it effects them. They aren't the one going through their day re-hashing what was said or done or thinking of what might be said or happen next.

God really spoke his own words out of my mouth in worship one morning and I totally lost composure. He said "help me to love *insert name here*". when those words came flying out I was unsure what to think. How could I possibly love someone who I feel has done so much to me? And how could I continue to show love to someone who continually expressed hatred to me?

This is when god ultimately started working on me about forgiveness.

I can't tell you I have this all figured out but I can tell you that I have started receiving small glimpses of joy returning back into my own life as I am letting go of my hurt feelings. Once I realized that my joy was not held back because of someone else, that it was me controlling it, I decided to stop blaming and to start fighting back. There are times I wake up at night for no reason and start thinking about all the hurtful things and the situations that are yet to come and I have to set my thoughts captive and tell my mind to shut up in Jesus name. When these attacks come I lose sleep, then in turn have a harder time the next day and it really is just a ripple effect.

Forgiveness is less for the person who you are forgiving, and more for you. Until I learn to fully release forgiveness to the people who I feel "owe me" something I will be held back. Thank god for this revelation!!!

Open House

We have been talking about being an "open house life" at church and it really has put a lot of god ideas in my head. When we don't make ourselves vulnerable with people and keep our door closed, essentially we are saying we do not care. I mean let's be honest, we always are the first to say "what's going on in your life?" and the last to say, "here are my problems, can you help me?". Our society has programmed us to be nosey but not let people in our OWN messy lives. Why are we so disclosed? Do we see what we are doing? Honestly, we are all in this life together for a reason. We were created for relationships and relationships were created for us. It is necessary for growth.

Also, why do we go through our day asking questions that we really aren't listening for the answers? "How are you?", "What have you been up to.", "What's been going on lately?". I was listening to Joyce Meyer and God spoke through her to me when she was talking about this very thing. We so often say we want to help people and we want to reach out and show them love, we just don't know how. This is the craziest thing because how many people love to talk about themselves? Every person likes to to some degree, and if you say you don't you're lying! People tell you how to love them when you talk to them, usually the problem is we are not listening. People talk about their passions, their life, their problems, their joys, EVERYTHING. You simply have to listen to what they are saying. If someone says in conversation they LOVE a certain kind of coffee and three days later you hear them saying they are having a rough morning, how huge would it be that you were actually LISTENING to them when they said what kind of coffee brought them joy and you were able to gift them with that. Joyce challenged to keep a notepad of things people say that stick out to you so when the spirit leads you can bless them. This is something I really want to get good at doing!

People, let's get real & vulnerable. Souls are at stake, and that's not a risk I'm willing to take.

-Bethany

Growing Up.

I was driving to the gym today when I realized I really am growing up. This whole season of my life is making me change in so many ways and while it is challenging I know it is shaping me into a better person. 1 year ago I was not making decisions for myself and didn't even know how to. Having a child really makes you realize what is important and it makes you the craziest most protective person in the world. I have said and done things to protect my son and myself in the last 3 months that I never had the guts to before. I am happy to say that I have taken the situation I made for myself and I am honestly learning from it. I am growing up faster than most people my age and while at some times I wish I wasn't.. I realize God is going to use this for something much bigger than me. And besides that, I am learning who I am. I am learning what I do and do not deserve. I don't think it matters so much what your life looks like to others or even to yourself, I think what matters is how you handle it. If you have a crappy attitude, you will always have a crappy life. If you make the most of something, you will learn to be content and truly happy. True joy comes from above, and I am learning to soak in it daily. My situation is not ideal, but I will make the most of it! I will learn, and I will teach my child about it one day. So thankful tonight, and truly feeling blessed. I think people really should learn to be proud of yourself when you accomplish something or learn something.. God has revealed so much to me and honestly I am proud of myself for taking it as the truth it is. Some people do not deserve to be in your life.. and that's that.

Being in limbo

Its really not the place anyone wants to be. Stuck in limbo.

I am at such an inbetween place in life right now. In-between being a free teenager and getting pregnant... Then between being pregnant and being a mom. Not to mention going from high school to hair school and now about to be out in the real world working! Oh and don't forget being in a care free relationship and it turning into planning a family then all of a sudden non-existent! That wasnt a shocker or anything haha. Anyway all of that happened in the past year and while it has been an extremely hard year I am glad THAT year is OVER!!! Yes I am still waiting on the new season to begin but I know it is coming soon, I can just feel it. While there are still hard days I know that God is there to help me through them all and catch any tears that I need to cry. So thankful to have the family that I have who teaches me responsibility and at the same time loves me even when I screw things up. Just remember you can never screw something up so bad that God can't bring you to the other side. Mercy is bigger than you (: please be encouraged! Limbo doesn't last forever... Just wait. You'll see!