John 11:33

Well I knew I wasn't going to be going to church today so I wanted to get into John 11 and read it for myself. We are doing a study over the book of John at Frontline! Loving it.

As I was reading John 11 my heart became filled with thankfulness.
In the book of John the people are weeping because Lazarus has died. Mary and Martha are both deeply saddened at the loss of their brother and admit to Jesus they know he would not have died if He would have been there when he was sick.


John 11:33
When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. (NIV)
John 11:33
 When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled. (NLV)


I was sitting on my back porch thinking over the last few years and thinking about how I wish some things had worked out differently and how some things didn't change and how some things did change. As I sit here and think about all of the times I cried out to God for strength and cried out to God to heal my broken heart, he wept for me. Jesus... the Son of God. He cares so much for me that He himself gets angered at situations in our lives that cause us strife and cause us pain. I take so much comfort in knowing that when I am hurting and sad or angry or someone has done something wrong to me that Jesus is right there by my side angry, upset, hurt, and crying WITH me and FOR me. I think about how the verse says he was deeply troubled. It reminds me of the show intervention where you can see the tiredness and the sadness and worry in the families eyes as they beg their family member and friend to take help. When someone is in a desperate situation or are seriously hurting we always tend to get a little more involved than when we just know they have a bad situation in their life. Everyone has bad situations. But Jesus looks at every single situation in our life that we are struggling with or do not have peace in and he is deeply troubled by our pain. How can God love people so much when we constantly constantly screw up and do crappy things. This is the biggest picture of love that I have gained revelation of in a long time.

You guys, I know I am hypocritical about a lot of things. But Jesus loved the hypocrites too. I just plan on falling more and more in love with my Savior. It would be impossible not to because of hos much love he shows me. How can you not love someone who is constantly there for you and constantly blessing you and looking out for you? Giving you gifts and guidance. Protecting you and giving you hope for your future. I serve the greatest God. The only God. A God who weeps for me.

A New Era!

I am so glad that the Mommy's are beginning to come together! It makes life so much easier when you have other people to lean on and just enjoy the same experiences with! I am so blessed to know all of you and can't wait to meet more of you! That being said:

We all go through good seasons and bad seasons in life. We all experience joy and we all experience heartbreak. I just want to offer some truth to everyone. YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH!!!! I have always always wanted to have a family for Elijah. It bothered the crraaaappp out of me and I found myself getting super upset and stressed out about it for a very long time. I kept going back to a relationship and waiting for things to change *similar to chelsea on teen mom, GAG ME!!!* and I was completely miserable. I ignored advice, signs, people, and my own gut because of my feelings. I never would listen to God's wisdom. I always asked Godly women and leaders what they thought of the situation and never got the answer I wanted. I wouldn't listen. Now I am not saying God can't change people because believe me when I say he can do ANYTHING. But a person has to have an open heart and want to change. I wanted to change, and boy oh boy did he change me. He changed my want for a family to a want for a HEALTHY family. He changed my self hate to self VALUE. He changed my broken heart to a WHOLE heart. He changed my bad attitude to an OPTIMISTIC one filled with hope. This was not at all easy. It still isn't easy. It's not easy co-parenting. It's not easy dealing with emotions. Its not easy dealing with a situation that isn't in the form that it was always meant to be in. But I try so hard to not rely on my own self any longer for strength. When I did that I always always failed an ended up even more distraught than before.

I say all of that not only to make myself vulnerable to you all so you can know a part of my story, but so if you have any kind of prayer requests you can message me and I will pray for you. Jesus is the absolute ONLY thing that has brought me through everything I have encountered in the last 3 years.

Examples of Requests:
Marriage
Being a single mom
Friendships
Loneliness
Self- Esteem
Having hope
Money
Legal Issues
Health
Child's Future

Being a Woman

Lately God has really been speaking to my heart as a woman.

I feel like in the world we live in we are belittled way to often. Multiple times a day. It's like a never ending cycle. But in all reality we are meant to be a treasured and cherished prize. It amazes me how we let the world define us and tell us what we are.

There is no greater love than the love God has for us. If we truly understood how much we are worth we wouldn't listen to 95% of the crap that we do. We are all guilty of it, myself included. Allowing people and media to influence what we think about ourselves and what we are capable of. We let everything negative in and slowly forget how much strength God has given us as women.

I am so sick of this disgusting epidemic that is running rapid in our society. God meant for us to be STRONG women. To know we are beautiful. To know that we are meant for more than sex. We were created for something so much bigger than what the world brings us down to.

I will no longer buy into the lies satan and the world tells me about myself.
I'm a woman. I am fearless. I am beautiful. I am cherished. I am a fighter. I am freaking awesome. And I won't be quiet about how I am all of these things, because GOD created me this way.

-Bethany

The journey.

So the day after Christmas I stepped on the scale and realized I had gained a good 8 pounds since thanksgiving. WHAT!?!?! I already still had baby weight to lose and now I just added on to it by almost 10 pounds. I was not going to let myself stay there, or get worse. This was a major call to action. I had done diets before but this time I meant business.


It's been 14 days and I've lost 9 pounds so far. This is what I am doing:

First of all I realized my weight was also tied into my emotions so I have been seeking God in helping me with my self discipline. The same power that raised him from the dead lives in me.. for ANY problem I face. If he can conquer death surely he can conquer the numbers on the scale, and more importantly the issues in my heart. The book & devotional that I am reading is called Made to Crave. I highly suggest it to anyone who has a hard time turning down tasty treats!

I got a journal and wrote down some encouraging quotes along with the restrictions I have given myself.
1. I only allow one cheat per week, and it has to be pre-planned. It cannot be spur of the moment because that was one of my major problems. I would see it, want it, and eat it. It's just one cheat right? We all know it doesn't work that way.
2. I still eat carbs (the good ones) but I eat the majority of them before 1 pm while my metabolism is still going strong. Pasta is the absolute worst thing you can eat for dinner.
3. I cut out specifically chips, cookies, and brownies. Those were big temptations for me. But I pretty much don't eat ANY of that crap anymore. I always finish every meal with 3 m&m's so that I get my sweet tooth fulfilled without having a full dessert.
4. I weigh myself once a week.
5. Take pictures once a month.
6. Do a Jillian Michaels DVD at least 6 times a week. If I can get a walk in I also do that. Right now I am doing the Ripped in 30 DVD.

Like I said though this has been more of a heart issue for me than anything. God has given me the strength to realize when I am actually hungry or when I am just unfulfilled spiritually. We need physical food but way more importantly we need spiritual food.

-Bethany

Finally!

I had a friend recently tell me that God was telling her to tell me the word indulge. At the moment I had no idea what it could mean. But the more I keep stepping out and trusting God for the things he has promised me.. the more I am seeing them come through and the more I am able to indulge myself in them!

Growth is never easy and usually not very fun while you are in the middle of it but once you pass certain obstacles it feels so great to know God gave you the power to endure through those times to get to the other side! I cannot imagine my life without my precious baby boy. He has brought light to what could have been a very dark situation and he continues to light it up more each and every day! He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Since he has existed I have grown SO MUCH because I want to be the best mom I can possibly be for him. I am so excited for the season of life I am in right now and i am going to INDULGE myself in it!

-Bethany

Growth.

It's funny to me when I think about growth and how it comes about in our lives. Really though, it's not much fun to grow. Some parts are entertaining and interesting but for the most part, actual growth can be quite painful.

A wise friend told me that in order for me to grow past my circumstances I needed to embrace all the pain I was feeling. Wow, not exactly what I wanted to hear. Until I started facing the fact that my heart was truly a mess all I was doing was being immobile. I wasn't being effective in any of my relationships with people, or God, or any area of my life. Everything was at a standstill. And while I look back on the last several months and realize just how shattered my heart was, I also realize that if I hadn't taken her advice I would be in a much worse off place.

My heart was this way because I had been letting man fill a spot that was meant to be God's since the beginning of time. When man let me down, I didn't know what to do and I didn't even really realize that was what my problem was. I let myself get into a deep emotional pit and see the condition of my heart and that was scary. There wasn't a whole lot of light left in that pit and nothing is more scary than being in a dark pit.

So on this journey I began to seek God and honestly just cry and cry to him. I told him about all of my emotions and all of my hurts and pains but I also started seeking to know what HE thought of me and HIS plans for my life. As I got in his word I was able to trust and rely on him more and more and honestly began to really let go of a lot of things that needed to be let go of. I still have to work on this every day but I can say that it gets so much easier if you just press through the very beginning. That is the hardest part.

My favorite part of this so far is just realizing how much I need him and really allowing him to be there for me. He never ever EVER fails me and it is such an awesome feeling to know I have a God who is literally ALWAYS perfect and always loving and looking out for me. Honestly, I don't need any man or human for my self worth or security anymore and that is such an amazing thing. I have gotten so much more freedom releasing my emotions and not relying on myself or my own thoughts and ideas to get me through the day. Jesus helps me with every single thing in my life because I allow him to. I love it.

-Bethany

Restoration.

I am writing today full of hope. I have always had hope but in seeking God I have realized I can have hope in a situation even when it looks like it will never ever get better. I have had a lot of ups and downs the past year, mostly downs if we are being honest. Don't get me wrong I have had tremendous blessing (starting & finishing hair school, giving birth to the most precious baby boy, getting a job, making new friends, growing, etc.) but I feel like if I were to really make a collection of the past year the trying times will very far outweigh all of the times I have had good things going on.

There were so many times that I felt so very alone. Abandoned.

I kept on seeking God. I kept on asking for Him. I continually prayed even in my deepest hurting moments that He would restore the things that needed to be restored. I knew it was in His power, but sometimes human will gets in the way of what God can and wants to do in our lives. He has a plan and a purpose for us but if we choose to do the opposite, He isn't going to MAKE us go his way.

I say all of this to say all of those long hard months of patient endurance were completely exhausting, but I am seeing His promises being stepped out before me now. Do I think it is all uphill from here? No, because life doesn't work that way. What I do know is that I have proof that God will come through on every single thing He says if we allow Him. Because even in the darkest place, I can see His light. God restores, so let Him.

-Bethany