Sunday, December 8, 2013

Theres this thing...

As a single mom I have had several times when I have been alone in the quiet and I hated it. In these moments God would reveal to me just how weak and broken I was. He allowed me to feel my pain to it's fullness and I hated that pain so much. But also in these moments it wasn't only God I was allowing to speak into my life. I had gotten truth and lies so twisted in my life I didn't even know which was which anymore.

I would think thoughts like this:
What did I do to end up by myself? Am I always going to be alone? Will my parents ever trust me again? Will I ever trust me again? Is anyone going to want me? What will it be like for Elijah growing up? Did I ruin the chance at him having a good future and family life? Is he going to be messed up because of the situation I brought him in to? How can God fix this? Am I doomed to feel this sadness forever? Are there even good men anymore?

The worst part is I believed I had been the one to screw everything up, which I had screwed up a lot, don't get me wrong. But it was never completely my burden to carry. (It actually wasn't my burden to carry at all, you will understand this thought later.). I figured nobody would want somebody who already has a child and who has already given themselves to a man, unless they were just seeking sex. I never ever thought my parents would regain trust in me, much less respect me as a mother. I kept imagining awful images of Elijah's childhood and custody battles and fights and honestly the worst thing I imagined was abandonment for him. I believed it was all my fault. He would be a troubled kid because of me. I honestly was not sure how God could fix the situation I had set up, (how human of me to think this way), and I never thought I would move through the pain of the situation because I thought the darkness was doomed to last for the rest of my life.

The funny thing is that I grew up in church. I had been taught that God has a future and that all things work together for the GOOD for those who love him. I knew he had a hope for me. His word says he brings us peace. I had heard over and over again that as christians we are seen by God how he sees Jesus. Ya see, I had been told truth my entire life about who I was in Jesus. But it wasn't until I was actually seeking him in my wretched broken life that I had created, that his LOVE and FREEDOM was revealed to me. I was finally free to believe that he has a hope and a future for me. That He desires to know me and love me deeper than any man ever could. If Jesus can love me past my sins, man who is also sinful surely can. I don't have to be afraid and I don't have to live my life in shame. God is so much bigger than all of those lies because God is TRUTH and He has the final word. He calls me a saint, righteousness, he calls me a good mother, he calls me smart, he calls me daughter, he calls me beautiful, he calls me wise, he calls me by my name, he knows the number of hairs on my head, he knows my thoughts before I think them, he knows the desires of my heart, he knows I desire him above anything else in this life, he desires ME.

For you single moms out there, stop worrying. I know it can be dark sometimes, and maybe it's dark right now. If it is seek encouragement because IT WILL GET BETTER. God IS so much bigger than your circumstance and he is bigger than your mistakes. He turned us from dirt. All of the intricacy of the human body, made of dirt. He can surely fix any problem we can create.

If your life isn't dark right now I have 2 things for you. First off find someone who's life is dark and bring some hope to them. We all need hope, and some people don't know anyone who can give them any. Secondly, build yourself up in the word so that when Satan tries to get you to believe lies you are READY with the truth. If you don't prepare yourself Satan can easily manipulate the stupidest things to make you believe you are less than and you don't stand a chance.

Galatians 2:20
My Old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by TRUSTING in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.


1 comment:

  1. Miss Bethany,
    I had no idea you were going through such a struggle. You always seemed so strong in hair school. I am now a single mother of a son with an absentee father. And I found your words to be very inspiring. You are wise beyond your years. Elijah is lucky to have such a great mother so grounded in the lord. Thank you, Jennifer