Tuesday, December 20, 2016

To be vulnerable...

Honesty. Truth. Vulnerability. Transparency.

All things I like to say I am pretty good with.
But all things I truly struggle with on a daily basis.

I'm a lover, God created me that way. I know this not only because of how I respond to situations but also because God has told me himself. He made me to love. I love hard and passionately and I love with no limits. Often times this has left me in situations where I have felt empty or unfulfilled because I want the same kind of love given back to me. I have also been taken advantage of and manipulated because I always try my hardest to give people the benefit of the doubt and give out multiple chances. I am sometimes loving with expectations for people to be the same way that I am, and not everyone is. If you're a lover like me, you completely understand where I'm coming from.

This makes me also realize just how important it is to find the balance between being a lover and also protecting your own heart. It is not healthy to give your heart, mind, emotions and soul to people who aren't capable of understanding the kind of person you are or loving you back. At the end of the day the Lord has equipped you with what you need to keep things in balance. It is Him. It is when I find myself longing for that deep honesty, truth, vulnerability, transparency connection with someone that I also find myself full of doubt and fear. I'm trusting in man to give me the deep connection that I should be relying on the Father for. Man can always fail you, so there is a realness in that fear. God on the other hand, He can never fail you.

I often find myself thinking... "Is my life too much for you? I have a lot of baggage." Some days my life literally feels like an episode of Jerry Springer. Sometimes my life looks like an episode of Parenthood, or has enough drama for an episode of Grey's Anatomy. I wonder if people look at me and think "Who would ever want to get involved in THAT." I think maybe I'm too passionate. Maybe I care too much. Like how wild and strong I am will push people away from me... so I feel the need to push myself back. To "relax" and not be so forward with my feelings or not be so outspoken with my opinions or thoughts. I'm scared that who God made me is considered "too much" by people.

But then I think, am I too much... or maybe I'm actually not enough? Am I at the gym consistently enough? Should I have eaten that? Am I pointing Elijah towards Christ enough, maybe we need to be reading the bible together more... Am I reading my bible enough? I'm not sure if my family really knows how much I appreciate them. Do my friends feel neglected? Am I going to be a good wife, do I show my feelings in a way that is understood? I don't feel like I'm making enough progress in my life. Maybe I need to find a second source of income so I can have more ability to give. Am I spending enough time with Elijah, my family, and my friends? I really need to read more books on finances.

All of these thoughts bring fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of losing relationships. Fear of all sorts. I hate fear. It is probably my least favorite human emotion that there is. You see, I love connecting. I love being on that soul level with a person where you know you are fully understood and they know you and you know they accept you exactly the way you are. So why is it so hard for us to accept that? Why do we have such a hard time believing that we are not too much, and that we are enough. Why am I so scared to let people in yet its EXACTLY what my soul is longing for. I would love to say I am fearless, but I'm not. If I want to be transparent, truthful, honest, and vulnerable... I'm here to tell you I battle fear every single day. I push myself to the limit to make sure I am the right balance of just enough but not too much all because deep down inside me there is a fear that I will be unaccepted and rejected.

I know I can shut these voice off in my head because of that one time God spoke to me and said "I made you a lover." So what do I do? I love. I love despite my fears. I share my story of brokenness and hopelessness and I tell how God redeemed it. How He constantly turns my bad decisions to show His glory and everlasting love for me. I allow myself to build healthy boundaries in my relationships so that my heart stays protected but I don't miss out on an opportunity to connect and get my soul fed. I give. I make myself take steps towards vulnerability and openness. We have all been hurt which also plays a big part in our fears.. but I've learned to push past the anxiety and fear that comes with relationships because I know that at the end of the day my Savior has my heart in his hands and if I allow fear to keep me from love... then I have lost who God told me He created me to be.

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